Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
