I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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