Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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