I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
