I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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