Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
