i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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