pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
