I accidentally had phone sex last night
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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