then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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