It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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