I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
