I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
