my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Randomize