neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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