This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
