You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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