I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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