I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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