My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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