the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Couch. On fire.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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