I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
