Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize