Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
