Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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