i need an iv and a liver transplant
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
