Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
