what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
