I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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