hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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