I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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