I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
