when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
