and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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