I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We named our party play list daddy issues
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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