Where is the hickey?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
