FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
