Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
