i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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