He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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