I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
