you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
