I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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