we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
