Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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