The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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