Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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