i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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