i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
