I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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