So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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