So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize