So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
