I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize