My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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