There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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