so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
