Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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