This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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