Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
