The maid of honor just puked.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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