Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
