I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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